Good morning Lanthanums and Germanium! I just got done with a 36 hour Diels Alder reaction..." Boy is my magnetic stirrer tired!

Being a chemEDian is tough, take my lab partner..."I mean PLEASE! TAKE MY LAB PARTNER!

Is this thing on or am I IN A ROOM FULL OF INERT GAS?!

Great to be here, are there any chemists in the audience? I'm from Berkeley, we even have a name of an element for us!

Ever hear anybody say it's MYSTERY to me? or CHEM IS TRY?

Where are the potassium atoms? Potassium's Argon dating (KNOCK KNOCK! Who's there? Potassiums here

So a proton and a neutron go into a bar...proton gets a tequilla sunrise and a sasparilla for his friend jimmy Neutron and the bartender says, "That's one for you, and NO CHARGE for the neutron!"

A cation and an anion are walkin down the road and the cation said, "You took an e- didn't you?!" The anion said,
"Are you sure?" and the proton said, "I'm POSITIVE"

WATER!!!! Anybody know what H2O is? How's about H2O2? What's H2O4? It's for drinking! Washing your car, taking a shower, cooking noodles, for space shuttle,...

My mom's old STARCAR got hit after the DC ACS
by red light runner, can you believe he said he didn't even see me?! It's been so tramatic that I've become very religious
in fact I only drink HOLY WATER!...Ya know how to make Holy water? just boil the hell out of it!

The centigrade temperature scale is easier for chemists to use since water freezes at zero and boils at 90 degrees... (90 degrees?-slap forehead- that's a right angle!)

Any body figure this one any faster than I did when a kid told it to me? sing-HIJKLMNO H to O

Lithium hydroxide is the fuel for the car on the moon, 3 cars... I read that they ran out of gas. Then an astronaut told me to tell the kids, "That we also left the keys in it"...The ask who the last person on the moon was? Gene Cernan thought he saw an alien and drove right into a boulder and dented the fender! They had to fix it since it was kicking dust up into the car so they used the state of the art technology for 1972(?) Cardboard and duct tape! So how would you like to be known not as being the last man on the moon but rather as the the first fender bender?! Ya know what happened to his insurance rates? They 'SKYROCKETED' YEAH NOW IT'S ASTRONOMICAL!

Ya have to be careful talking to drunks, I had an argument with one who thought polypeptide was toothpaste!

I was explaining elements and the periodic table to a six year old girl, and she said i get all that but what's it got to do w/ my brother ADAM...

What do chemist say when they wake up? Up and ATOM!

CaSe, RaTe

a chemist, a physicist and a biologist are on a fishing boat

How many chemists does it take to scres in a light bulb?

Knock Knock! Who's there? Ether? Ether Bunny

"Note how energy is conserved as with 'NEWTON'S BALLS'

What's red, white, and black all over!


I walked in on a freshman chemistry class where one student was called upon, "What's the formula for glucose?"
he replied C6H12 and uh? ...O12"and the class cried "Give him another chance!" so the teacher thought I better make it easy
so he asked "What's the formula for Hexane? C6H10? the class cried "Give him another chance! "Alright How's about Methane?" The reply was CH4? and the class shouted "Give him another chance!"

SHOW:

Local hero "William F. Libby Highway"
NOBEL not dumbbell I screwed up with 118, I guess so did Berkeley LABCal

I presented a paper at the New Orleans ACS meeting a few summers ago man was it HOT! (How hot was it?) It was so hot that I noticed a bum's whiskey was refluxing as he sat on the street drinking!

I spent the month of January in Ohio boy was it cold! (how cold was it?) It was so cold I had to breathe liquid oxygen! It was so cold in Alaska that the centigrade scale equalled the Fareinheit scale!

There are three essential elements fot the three food groups...(Point to stomach, "Oh already said protein in muscle FAT?"

Old boring teacher writing on the board how Wohler combined ammonium and ???ethy acetate..."Urea!Urea!

Relatives...My Great GOD-DAUGHTER LILIA McCarthy (Me-Me-'s Grand Neice!) now wants to be a "ScienceTIST!", "Showed magnifying glass to leaf, 4yr old niece was afraid house would burn that night

Seaborg named Pu...Pluto...Neptunium?..."You'll never guess this one! "What was Uranium named after? Not mine maybe..."

He mentioned(IF MEMORY SERVES ME CORRECT??) that with 106 named, ions like Seaborous sounded like a boring professor's nickname, seaborite sounds like a toothpaste or laundry detergent.Or Seaborgate may be a chemical scandal..

Maybe we should teach chemistry like it waws kindrgarten, CHEMISTRY KINDERGARTEN Start with , "Ipledge allegence to the periodic table of the elements and to the atoms for which they stand one element indivisible with liberty and justice for all!

Now class it's time for math what's hydrogen TWO plus Hydrogen ONE when it fuses in the sun (Helium THREE correct!) what's carbon 12 plus carbon 12 in a star? Magnesium 24 very good! what's Beryllium 8 minus an alpha 4/Helium 4 very good class!

Time for a story class, to day it's Goldilocks and the three MOLES....I smell hydrogen sulfide, I smell napthalene and the baby mole trying to poke his head up the hole said "all I smell is mole-asses"...

I like Kentucky and boy they sure like potassium, seem everywhere I go they wear hats and fly flags for Potassium (K) or maybe it's the Kelvin scale????

I'm Cincinnati REDS fan and isn't it great that they all love carbon! Stanford loves sulfur! Princeton has a thing for Phosphorus!

I wanted to be an organic chemist so in college when I got straight "C"'s I thought I was doing good!

Video and overhead/slide show

SHOW Harry's Dog

Show Video of PaRADE (other chem car) and

"slides from my SUMMER Vacation"=present like boring but have a story for each! Mc'e-Fire Hydrant (100 yrold lightbulb)-

Show kids signatures and how Seaborgs was untouched (Show kids huddled)

Libby Middle School

Newspaper funny stories of reporters

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